I'm listening to City Harvest's Live Webcast right now. I feel that things have changed a lot since I left Singapore. By things I mean my personality and my passion towards Christianity. I feel that I am growing more and more weary towards my faith and I am becoming more apathetic towards those around me.
I still remember the story I used to listen to from 孫越叔叔說故事. The story's called 做在最小的身上. In a nutshell the moral of the story is to encourage people to care for those who are less fortunate and those who are poor both materialistically and spiritually. But right now I feel that the moral of the story is too far fetched and that human selfishness can never be conquered by mere education. Knowing that there are people less fortunate than ourselves doesn't mean that we will take any action and change the situation.
Right now the pastor in the CHC Webcast is declaring, "to a year of abundance!" I feel strange about this. How can he be declaring those words when there are disasters all over the world? Aren't Christians supposed to focus on other things other than their own well-being?
But then again I guess it's part of human nature for people to always focus on themselves. It doesn't matter whether you are a believer or not.
Rant of the day:
Garsh I am so tired. There was another MASSA event today. I wish extra curricular stuffs can be over soon. Argh two days away from my first midterm. I guess tomorrow will be spent in the library. ARGHH I NEED SOME REST! I want to go back to Taiwan:( (or Boston, or even Singapore. Or even...SF? =D)
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Saturday, January 16, 2010
Stressed.
Quite a few things to do...I don't even know where to begin.
I am at my wit's end and I feel like everything will crumble.
I am at my wit's end and I feel like everything will crumble.
Monday, January 11, 2010
Good times.
The second week of school started with a blast. I woke up at 7:30am and rushed to my first math class in two years.
I sat in the back of a lecture hall full of freshmen and listened attentively to the professor. Nothing stimulates a sleepy head more than complex mathematics. The prof spoke articulately and at the same time drew graphs and equations on the blackboard. Hmm, this class isn't too bad. The prof is cool; studying math is pretty refreshing, I thought to myself.
There only existed one slight, almost negligible problem:
I didn't get a single thing.
I felt a surge of desire to swear and cry deeply when I realized the unfriendly situation. I am in Calculus 1, which means that what we are doing now are things that I've done in high school. Functions. Limits. F(x)=a. Continuity. Why, why is this suddenly so darn hard? How come I don't get anything at all? I mean I read the first chapter of the book - and I know that I am a little bit lagging behind because my high school math foundation isn't very strong - but how can things be so darn out of whack and be unexpectedly against me?
I felt like an idiot the whole morning and walked to my next class like a zombie. Abnormal psychology, at least it wasn't that bad. The professor spoke inhumanely fast and the materials covered were as vast as the ocean itself. Well that was how I felt. But even so it did not make me feel as discouraged as Calculus 1.
In the afternoon I attended the Calculus 1 Tutorial (A tutorial is mandatory to attend and is taught by a TA; a lecture is taught by a prof) and got even more defeated than before. Strange description right? How can a person who already lost a war "further lose?" Well I guess the Tutorial ripped my dignity away from the very core of my being - a little melodramatic I know - but by sitting in the tutorial and not knowing how to solve a single question made me want to jump into a black hole and never return to earth. Humiliation. Stupidity. The F-word. Those were things that filled my head as I sat through the tutorial.
When I was making my course selection, My friends often asked me, "are you sure you wanna take math?." Yes, I want to take this class, I want to touch math again. I felt offended when people ask me that question. It felt like people were questioning my ability and my general intelligence.
But after today's math blast I felt like people were right. I can't even retain high school stuff in my brain. I must be too stupid for the scientific (by that I mean hard science) and math world.
I decided to freshen things up a little tonight. I went to jog with my friends (because Ge said, "remember spiritual and physical health first, everything else follows") and got further disappointed. I know mom and dad will not be happy to hear this, but I haven't done sports in a long while. Tonight I managed to gauge how much my physical health has diminished: I attempted to run 2.4 km at an astonishing slow pace but even so I couldn't run the whole thing without taking breaks. I also attempted to shout a bit in the bathroom afterward due to sheer frustration but that's not really relevant.
After jogging, my friends suggested playing ball. And I simply will not reiterate what happened. Let me just illustrate things this way: I felt more useless and dumb than that fat kid in an American elementary school gym class.
Conclusion: today's not a good day. Things didn't go smoothly and many challenges arose. Escape becomes a very alluring option (i.e. drop Calculus) and tearing up the textbook is even more tempting. I feel stupid, humiliated, more stupid, and angry at my brain. But then again, on this very day I learned a few things about myself and my current general attitude towards life:
1. Though pissed off at the math class, I now feel more eager to conquer the course. I might need to seek tutoring from TAs and friends and sacrifice some sleeping time, but I will finish this course. My justification for this: I must finish this Calculus course by all means just in case my kids ask me about calculus in the future.
2. My memory is not good due to the lack of ability to focus since I left Germany - I must train my mind and put in more effort in my academics so I can make up for my current condition.
3. My reactions to upsetting situations are still very childish and immature. I guess puberty hasn't completely end yet and hormones are causing me to overreact. I must pray more and ask God to help me chill out. (Mom and Dad: Chill out - a contemporary term for "relax" used by kids nowadays)
4. My physical health is at its low (as opposed to the supposed peak for my age) and I will not let this continue. Expect an exponential increase in health from my future posts.
5. Two years from now when I look back to this very day and read this post I will laugh and say, "good times, good times."
It's 12:46 now. The next day has begun. Time to hit the sack:) I feel much better typing these things out.
Mom and Dad, my class is at 10 tomorrow, so I will get enough sleep. Don't worry.
James
I sat in the back of a lecture hall full of freshmen and listened attentively to the professor. Nothing stimulates a sleepy head more than complex mathematics. The prof spoke articulately and at the same time drew graphs and equations on the blackboard. Hmm, this class isn't too bad. The prof is cool; studying math is pretty refreshing, I thought to myself.
There only existed one slight, almost negligible problem:
I didn't get a single thing.
I felt a surge of desire to swear and cry deeply when I realized the unfriendly situation. I am in Calculus 1, which means that what we are doing now are things that I've done in high school. Functions. Limits. F(x)=a. Continuity. Why, why is this suddenly so darn hard? How come I don't get anything at all? I mean I read the first chapter of the book - and I know that I am a little bit lagging behind because my high school math foundation isn't very strong - but how can things be so darn out of whack and be unexpectedly against me?
I felt like an idiot the whole morning and walked to my next class like a zombie. Abnormal psychology, at least it wasn't that bad. The professor spoke inhumanely fast and the materials covered were as vast as the ocean itself. Well that was how I felt. But even so it did not make me feel as discouraged as Calculus 1.
In the afternoon I attended the Calculus 1 Tutorial (A tutorial is mandatory to attend and is taught by a TA; a lecture is taught by a prof) and got even more defeated than before. Strange description right? How can a person who already lost a war "further lose?" Well I guess the Tutorial ripped my dignity away from the very core of my being - a little melodramatic I know - but by sitting in the tutorial and not knowing how to solve a single question made me want to jump into a black hole and never return to earth. Humiliation. Stupidity. The F-word. Those were things that filled my head as I sat through the tutorial.
When I was making my course selection, My friends often asked me, "are you sure you wanna take math?." Yes, I want to take this class, I want to touch math again. I felt offended when people ask me that question. It felt like people were questioning my ability and my general intelligence.
But after today's math blast I felt like people were right. I can't even retain high school stuff in my brain. I must be too stupid for the scientific (by that I mean hard science) and math world.
I decided to freshen things up a little tonight. I went to jog with my friends (because Ge said, "remember spiritual and physical health first, everything else follows") and got further disappointed. I know mom and dad will not be happy to hear this, but I haven't done sports in a long while. Tonight I managed to gauge how much my physical health has diminished: I attempted to run 2.4 km at an astonishing slow pace but even so I couldn't run the whole thing without taking breaks. I also attempted to shout a bit in the bathroom afterward due to sheer frustration but that's not really relevant.
After jogging, my friends suggested playing ball. And I simply will not reiterate what happened. Let me just illustrate things this way: I felt more useless and dumb than that fat kid in an American elementary school gym class.
Conclusion: today's not a good day. Things didn't go smoothly and many challenges arose. Escape becomes a very alluring option (i.e. drop Calculus) and tearing up the textbook is even more tempting. I feel stupid, humiliated, more stupid, and angry at my brain. But then again, on this very day I learned a few things about myself and my current general attitude towards life:
1. Though pissed off at the math class, I now feel more eager to conquer the course. I might need to seek tutoring from TAs and friends and sacrifice some sleeping time, but I will finish this course. My justification for this: I must finish this Calculus course by all means just in case my kids ask me about calculus in the future.
2. My memory is not good due to the lack of ability to focus since I left Germany - I must train my mind and put in more effort in my academics so I can make up for my current condition.
3. My reactions to upsetting situations are still very childish and immature. I guess puberty hasn't completely end yet and hormones are causing me to overreact. I must pray more and ask God to help me chill out. (Mom and Dad: Chill out - a contemporary term for "relax" used by kids nowadays)
4. My physical health is at its low (as opposed to the supposed peak for my age) and I will not let this continue. Expect an exponential increase in health from my future posts.
5. Two years from now when I look back to this very day and read this post I will laugh and say, "good times, good times."
It's 12:46 now. The next day has begun. Time to hit the sack:) I feel much better typing these things out.
Mom and Dad, my class is at 10 tomorrow, so I will get enough sleep. Don't worry.
James
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Gramps
I've been reading my sister's translation of my grandma's novel, Heaven and Earth, and I stumbled across an awesome quote by grandpa when he was persecuted and blamed for something that he was not responsible for...here's the quote:
"...事實真相總有大白的一日，用不到我們去答辯的，目下我們用不到和人家去爭長論短，打筆墨官司，我只求仰不愧於天，俯不怍於人，對任何毀謗或責難我既不生氣，也不介壞“
The translated version:
"...there's no need to squabble over trifles or fight legal battles in print: as long as my conscience is clear in front of God and man, I will not be angry over slander or censure."
.......................................................................................
I find what grandpa said extremely powerful and very inspiring. His reasoning transcends and oversees the normal human reaction towards false witnesses and prosecution. I believe if we all employ his attitude in everyday life, we won't find many opportunities to get angry.
Honestly prior to reading Heaven and Earth thoroughly I've never developed realistic respect for my grandparents. Their love story, my grandma's loyalty and diligence, my grandpa's superhuman psychological and physical endurance, were all part of a family legend to me. But things have changed as I read each line of Heaven and Earth with careful inspection. Now I've employed a completely different perspective. I feel as though I have matured after reading this book.
Anyhow, I just realized it's 1 am here and I have and 830 class tomorrow morning (Calculus!)
Time to hit the sack:)
James
"...事實真相總有大白的一日，用不到我們去答辯的，目下我們用不到和人家去爭長論短，打筆墨官司，我只求仰不愧於天，俯不怍於人，對任何毀謗或責難我既不生氣，也不介壞“
The translated version:
"...there's no need to squabble over trifles or fight legal battles in print: as long as my conscience is clear in front of God and man, I will not be angry over slander or censure."
.......................................................................................
I find what grandpa said extremely powerful and very inspiring. His reasoning transcends and oversees the normal human reaction towards false witnesses and prosecution. I believe if we all employ his attitude in everyday life, we won't find many opportunities to get angry.
Honestly prior to reading Heaven and Earth thoroughly I've never developed realistic respect for my grandparents. Their love story, my grandma's loyalty and diligence, my grandpa's superhuman psychological and physical endurance, were all part of a family legend to me. But things have changed as I read each line of Heaven and Earth with careful inspection. Now I've employed a completely different perspective. I feel as though I have matured after reading this book.
Anyhow, I just realized it's 1 am here and I have and 830 class tomorrow morning (Calculus!)
Time to hit the sack:)
James
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