Life

Sober Stöber

2011-10-26T10:19:00.000-07:00

深夜
為你重新留下淚滴
為我自己再度歎息
Self-pity
我憎恨的那一種心情
Something that should never be
A part of me
我希望飛離地面的那一天
Will soon arrive
So that I may finally
伸手
Touch the sky.

Summer time!

2010-05-02T01:41:00.001-07:00

It's been a whole month since I've updated my blog. Nay, it's been a month and a half. Oh gasp.

I feel the need to practice my Chinese so I shall write my entry in it:)

過去一整個月只能用四個字來形容: 昏天黑地。從一開始的充滿信心到最後的隨便亂猜，我和McGill的同志們（i.e fellow students)共同奮鬥了一個半月。每天的伙食費讓我的生活開支表上劃上紅字；在沒有時間準備食物的情況下，我每天只能叫外賣或著吃McGill Pizza的heart-disease-inducing poutine(a.k.a. putin or poo-tin: a local delicate; made from drowning old french fries in fatty gravy and cheap cheese)。
我並不想要sound like a whiny little kid,因為其實有的吃就應該滿足了，但是這樣的日子可真不宜久過。
現在考試結束了，我的第一個目標就是要恢復正常睡眠習慣。考試期間平均是早上五點半睡，下午一點起床（效率上其實沒差，真不懂幹嘛把自己搞得這麼不健康）。第二個目標是健身（不只要求健康，更要有一個強健的體格，讓我回台灣的時候不會被媽媽一直念:"做扶地挺身！怎麼都沒胸肌，看起來好weak!")第三是要好好上summer school,絕不蹺課，絕不早退，遲到ｏｋ，只要能追上進度就好！

當然，這個暑假我要重新的規劃自己的人生。要走怎樣的路，要有什麼樣的前途，要在哪個國家永久居留等，我要盡力規劃好自己的未來。當然，這個暑假最最重要的課題就是要重新建立我跟神的關係，我的信仰和我的思想。我承認，在過去的一個月（或過去兩年）我的靈命只有走下坡的份，而且我並沒有放太多心思在它身上。我知道這會是我的絆腳石，that is, if I don't get this part of me figured out, no matter how successful I become, I will not be happy. And not being happy still constitutes as a fail. 我可不想fail in life.

anyhow,
很想念我的家人。今天下午會跟大姊一家skype!我很look forward to it:)

James

It's been a while...

2010-03-15T22:29:00.000-07:00

I've procrastinated for a whole month without updating my blog. My apologies.
Life was hectic for the whole month of February. Lots of emotional roller coasters. My academic performance met constant disappointments. Pressure from peers didn't motivate me either; instead, I felt defeated many times because my test scores didn't meet the average.
-------------------------------------------------
Yesterday after church I bumped into this random guy. He told me he's been a devoted christian before he met his first girlfriend. He got engaged at the age of 18, but she left him for another guy. So the dude I met said that he went "a little crazy" afterwards. He started to live a more "worldly" life, and then his parents, being the strict and fanatic orthodox they are, kicked him out of the house. The poor dude started to wonder around, and he decided to leave the city and get as far away as possible. He left for boston two weeks ago, and he arrived in montreal last friday.
I felt so bad for him and wanted to cry when I heard his story. It wasn't like he wanted any help but I wanted to offer my place for him to stay but I felt that it's not a safe thing to do (obviously). But sometimes someone has to break the rule and take some risks. I wonder what Ba Ma would tell me to do..I wonder what I would tell my children if they're in the same situation. Hmmm.

Ps: midterm went okay today. A huge essay due tmr but I'm done with it. Time to catch up with family, deal with club stuffs, upload a few songs and pursue my dreams:)
James

CHC

2010-01-30T19:50:00.000-08:00

I'm listening to City Harvest's Live Webcast right now. I feel that things have changed a lot since I left Singapore. By things I mean my personality and my passion towards Christianity. I feel that I am growing more and more weary towards my faith and I am becoming more apathetic towards those around me.

I still remember the story I used to listen to from 孫越叔叔說故事. The story's called 做在最小的身上. In a nutshell the moral of the story is to encourage people to care for those who are less fortunate and those who are poor both materialistically and spiritually. But right now I feel that the moral of the story is too far fetched and that human selfishness can never be conquered by mere education. Knowing that there are people less fortunate than ourselves doesn't mean that we will take any action and change the situation.

Right now the pastor in the CHC Webcast is declaring, "to a year of abundance!" I feel strange about this. How can he be declaring those words when there are disasters all over the world? Aren't Christians supposed to focus on other things other than their own well-being?

But then again I guess it's part of human nature for people to always focus on themselves. It doesn't matter whether you are a believer or not.

Rant of the day:

Garsh I am so tired. There was another MASSA event today. I wish extra curricular stuffs can be over soon. Argh two days away from my first midterm. I guess tomorrow will be spent in the library. ARGHH I NEED SOME REST! I want to go back to Taiwan:( (or Boston, or even Singapore. Or even...SF? =D)

Stressed.

2010-01-16T17:27:00.001-08:00

Quite a few things to do...I don't even know where to begin.
I am at my wit's end and I feel like everything will crumble.

Good times.

2010-01-11T21:03:00.000-08:00

The second week of school started with a blast. I woke up at 7:30am and rushed to my first math class in two years.

I sat in the back of a lecture hall full of freshmen and listened attentively to the professor. Nothing stimulates a sleepy head more than complex mathematics. The prof spoke articulately and at the same time drew graphs and equations on the blackboard. Hmm, this class isn't too bad. The prof is cool; studying math is pretty refreshing, I thought to myself.

There only existed one slight, almost negligible problem:

I didn't get a single thing.

I felt a surge of desire to swear and cry deeply when I realized the unfriendly situation. I am in Calculus 1, which means that what we are doing now are things that I've done in high school. Functions. Limits. F(x)=a. Continuity. Why, why is this suddenly so darn hard? How come I don't get anything at all? I mean I read the first chapter of the book - and I know that I am a little bit lagging behind because my high school math foundation isn't very strong - but how can things be so darn out of whack and be unexpectedly against me?

I felt like an idiot the whole morning and walked to my next class like a zombie. Abnormal psychology, at least it wasn't that bad. The professor spoke inhumanely fast and the materials covered were as vast as the ocean itself. Well that was how I felt. But even so it did not make me feel as discouraged as Calculus 1.

In the afternoon I attended the Calculus 1 Tutorial (A tutorial is mandatory to attend and is taught by a TA; a lecture is taught by a prof) and got even more defeated than before. Strange description right? How can a person who already lost a war "further lose?" Well I guess the Tutorial ripped my dignity away from the very core of my being - a little melodramatic I know - but by sitting in the tutorial and not knowing how to solve a single question made me want to jump into a black hole and never return to earth. Humiliation. Stupidity. The F-word. Those were things that filled my head as I sat through the tutorial.

When I was making my course selection, My friends often asked me, "are you sure you wanna take math?." Yes, I want to take this class, I want to touch math again. I felt offended when people ask me that question. It felt like people were questioning my ability and my general intelligence.

But after today's math blast I felt like people were right. I can't even retain high school stuff in my brain. I must be too stupid for the scientific (by that I mean hard science) and math world.

I decided to freshen things up a little tonight. I went to jog with my friends (because Ge said, "remember spiritual and physical health first, everything else follows") and got further disappointed. I know mom and dad will not be happy to hear this, but I haven't done sports in a long while. Tonight I managed to gauge how much my physical health has diminished: I attempted to run 2.4 km at an astonishing slow pace but even so I couldn't run the whole thing without taking breaks. I also attempted to shout a bit in the bathroom afterward due to sheer frustration but that's not really relevant.

After jogging, my friends suggested playing ball. And I simply will not reiterate what happened. Let me just illustrate things this way: I felt more useless and dumb than that fat kid in an American elementary school gym class.

Conclusion: today's not a good day. Things didn't go smoothly and many challenges arose. Escape becomes a very alluring option (i.e. drop Calculus) and tearing up the textbook is even more tempting. I feel stupid, humiliated, more stupid, and angry at my brain. But then again, on this very day I learned a few things about myself and my current general attitude towards life:

1. Though pissed off at the math class, I now feel more eager to conquer the course. I might need to seek tutoring from TAs and friends and sacrifice some sleeping time, but I will finish this course. My justification for this: I must finish this Calculus course by all means just in case my kids ask me about calculus in the future.

2. My memory is not good due to the lack of ability to focus since I left Germany - I must train my mind and put in more effort in my academics so I can make up for my current condition.

3. My reactions to upsetting situations are still very childish and immature. I guess puberty hasn't completely end yet and hormones are causing me to overreact. I must pray more and ask God to help me chill out. (Mom and Dad: Chill out - a contemporary term for "relax" used by kids nowadays)

4. My physical health is at its low (as opposed to the supposed peak for my age) and I will not let this continue. Expect an exponential increase in health from my future posts.

5. Two years from now when I look back to this very day and read this post I will laugh and say, "good times, good times."

It's 12:46 now. The next day has begun. Time to hit the sack:) I feel much better typing these things out.
Mom and Dad, my class is at 10 tomorrow, so I will get enough sleep. Don't worry.

James

Gramps

2010-01-07T21:44:00.000-08:00

I've been reading my sister's translation of my grandma's novel, Heaven and Earth, and I stumbled across an awesome quote by grandpa when he was persecuted and blamed for something that he was not responsible for...here's the quote:

"...事實真相總有大白的一日，用不到我們去答辯的，目下我們用不到和人家去爭長論短，打筆墨官司，我只求仰不愧於天，俯不怍於人，對任何毀謗或責難我既不生氣，也不介壞“

The translated version:

"...there's no need to squabble over trifles or fight legal battles in print: as long as my conscience is clear in front of God and man, I will not be angry over slander or censure."

.......................................................................................
I find what grandpa said extremely powerful and very inspiring. His reasoning transcends and oversees the normal human reaction towards false witnesses and prosecution. I believe if we all employ his attitude in everyday life, we won't find many opportunities to get angry.

Honestly prior to reading Heaven and Earth thoroughly I've never developed realistic respect for my grandparents. Their love story, my grandma's loyalty and diligence, my grandpa's superhuman psychological and physical endurance, were all part of a family legend to me. But things have changed as I read each line of Heaven and Earth with careful inspection. Now I've employed a completely different perspective. I feel as though I have matured after reading this book.

Anyhow, I just realized it's 1 am here and I have and 830 class tomorrow morning (Calculus!)
Time to hit the sack:)

James

Leaving soon

2009-12-21T19:45:00.000-08:00

I am going to Boston in about 9 hrs time. I'm gonna leave this dreaded year behind and go find my family! Can't wait to see my niece:)

Things I need to do over the holidays:
-call mom and dad very often
-settle GCC matters
-write Er Jieh's song
-save up some money
-spiritual life

Hoho. A lot of things to do!!
James

Last three finals

2009-12-14T21:40:00.000-08:00

So much work and so much stress! Hmmm. Where are you when I need you the most? Dear God, please don't let things continue like this. I really need to learn how to focus and seriously improve my GPA.

James

Finals Period

2009-12-12T18:31:00.000-08:00

Ah...it's the finals period.
Good times, good times.
I've been sleeping at strange hours and filling my head with knowledge that I won't be using in just a couple of years...as of now I still think university is a bit of a time waster. But you know what? The occasional nerding feels good. Mugging (Singaporean term for studying hard) makes me feel as if my IQ has jumped a standard deviation. What's that? Oh you've never taken statistics? Oh hohoho. No worries my dear. I am just rambling nonsense.

Anyways, I've decided to put up some of my new music and lyrics after the exams:) I want to receive feedback from my friends and family!:D

Yuppie.

Reminder to self: buy ticks to Boston when free.

James

a little more about depression.

2009-12-02T13:25:00.000-08:00

Went to class today. Skipping all the details.

Depression is a growing trend. Everyone is worried about it. It is estimated that in 2020, depression is going to be the 2nd most prevalent diseases in the world (1st being heart disease). Oh schmucks. Oh and trust me, according to very good scientific sources, depression is a very bad thing.
So what should we do? Avoid being depressed at all costs so we can escape from its detrimental effects? Yer, that's what most people should be doing. After all, depression is a very, very serious subject.

But for some weird reason more and more of us are using the word "depressed" in our everyday conversations as if it means nothing. I hear someone complain that they're depressed at least once a day. And you wonder why people become more and more depressed nowadays. Just because you don't mean it doesn't mean it has no effect; the mere fact that you let the word out already affects some part of you (and others around you).

Try saying "I wanna die" fifty times. Don't mean it though. And see if you feel a little more like dying than before. It doesn't take a genius to know that our mouths are lethal weapons.
Or, at times of crappiness, try forcing yourself to smile. For some weird reason, that will lighten you up a little. Weird? No, because our actions affects who we are, what we feel and how we perceive things.

Geesh. From now on, I am going to say "I am sad" instead (there's no way I can avoid complaining and ranting all in one go). Also, I am going to avoid saying, "I'm screwed," "I am f-ed," and "FML."

Especially since this is the finals period.
Time to study!

James

Random dislikes-or is it just me...? (to be updated)

2009-12-02T07:41:00.001-08:00

1)You're walking on the road and you feel that the stranger walking in front of you suspects someone (i.e. You) is following him. You know this because you see him slightly turns/tilts his head and checks behind with his peripherals. And now due to self consciousness you feel the need to walk faster and overtake him in order to prove that you're "clean."

2) Food colorings. Be it blue ice cream, red jelly or green beer...natural or unnatural...tasty or disgusting...food colorings always gross me out.

I am starting to blog

2009-12-01T14:28:00.001-08:00

WHY?

Because I realized I've been out of touch with the world. I miss my family, I miss my home, and I miss that part of me. Starting this blog will allow my family and people I care about to basically gain access to my diary and allow us to reconnect through a third medium.

Let's just treat this blog as a social experiment shall we:)?

Another reason why I am starting this blog is because I'd like to monitor myself; and this device here is pretty handy - I get to give myself reality checks, rant about life and basically analyze my own chararcter etc.

Anyways here's the to-do-list for today:
1) Listen to two sermons and,
2) Reply pastor tan and cc sibs
3) Reply sophia about the plans of gcc events
4) Listen to two psyc301 lectures

Yup;) that's it for now!
Byebye-
James